If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize