You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
