i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
