Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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