My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
