Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
