I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
