Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
