i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
