Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
