he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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