Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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