I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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