blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
