am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
