saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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