3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
