You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Someone shattered a urinal.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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