So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
