soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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