Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
