Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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