farters have to be the big spoon...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
