i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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