At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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