All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
