This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
