I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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