hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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