And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
