So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
