I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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