apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
