i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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