My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
