Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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