is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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