you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
