I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
