There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
