We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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