He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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