Acid is not a monday night drug
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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