Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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