3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
