just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
ok first of all what the fuck
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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