You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
