i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize