no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
