Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
