I'm jealous of your bromance
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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