sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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