I will die if light touches me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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