her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
